That which I have not had by Elaine M.L.Tam

That which I have not had the courage to say
in the short time of our recent acquaintance

I wish you wished I’d write you some poetry,
so here I am, purest fantasy

with a grab-bag of unfashionable commas because
every so often we are fortunate to use them,
tentatively, to speak of

emotions,
an occupational hazard

Made up, you are pined for with heartfelt elation
Mine shiny, powder-coated red,
cherishable but perishable, cheaply
cusped with silly lacy trimmings
cowering, at the threat of a plastic knife

as one friend says: crushes are psychological
Get over it, maybe, I’d like to, as if
it were really so easy
– to stop one tonne of hot bricks falling
– to save a stuffed animal from abandon
– to control a ziploc bag full of worms

Worms… loosening knapsack of swooning
spillage, suppress that

I don’t want to talk about retinal value or
Romantic tradition given

my terror and desperation. Above all
I want to forget, crumple up this
impoverished verse and shed the
alien self-loathing that fits so uncomfortably,
this ill-tailored suit worth a pun and spare change

It’s no fun anymore, in all seriousness:
I want to know what motivates you and with
twisted logic be just that but
only in my self-subsuming refrain

do I open like a child does the door in the morning
where there you always are, like a good father,
briefest embrace, I am

so
exactly
painfully
yours,

Elaine M.L. Tam (2024)